Controlling Personalities in the Church: The Difficulty of Seeing the Problem

This is part 3 of a series of posts on Controlling Personalities in the church. All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

For among My people are found wicked men;
They lie in wait as one who sets snares;
They set a trap;
They catch men.
As a cage is full of birds,
So their houses are full of deceit.
Therefore they have become great and grown rich.
They have grown fat, they are sleek;
Yes, they surpass the deeds of the wicked;
They do not plead the cause,
The cause of the powerless,
Yet they prosper,
And the right of the needy they do not defend,
"Shall I not punish them for these things?" says the LORD.
"Shall I not avenge Myself on such a nation as this?"
An astonishing and horrible thing
Has been committed in the land;
The prophets prophesy lies,
And the priests rule by their own authority;
And My people love to have it so.
But what will you do in the end?
Jeremiah 5:26-31

My last post on this topic was written with optimistic goals. It was written with the hope that we can spot these problems early and not associate ourselves with a congregation in which the leadership style was controlling and manipulative. The truth is, most people are not able to pick up on the early warning signs unless they have already learned the hard way to watch for them.

There is also great difficulty for neutral third parties when, in an attempt to help solve conflicts, they look in on an abusive church situation. Because the aggression of the narcissist tends to be covert and subtle, it may be almost impossible for such a third party to even figure out that there is an aggressor, much less figure out who that aggressor is. There are probably several reasons for this, but I think the main one has to do with an inability for the rest of us to identify with a truly narcissistic personality.

I once was taking a Chemistry class in which I had proved myself a very mediocre student. There was a term paper involved in the class, and I saw this as my chance to redeem my grade. I put my heart into the term paper, and being a much better writer and researcher than I was a chemist, produced a paper that any teacher should have loved. If you had asked me, I would have humbly(?) told you the paper deserved an A plus. When the paper was returned to me, however, the only mark the teacher had left was a cryptic comment that implied that I had plagiarized the paper and a grade of C minus. Obviously the teacher thought my mediocrity extended to subjects beyond chemistry and assumed I could not have written the paper.

I was disappointed by the grade, but devastated by the implied charge of dishonesty. When I sought comfort from my mother, one of things she said was that she had observed that those who are not trustworthy themselves do not easily trust others, and, in fact, find accusing others of dishonesty very easy. She wasn't encouraging me to distrust my teacher, but she was using the experience to teach me the life lesson that there are people who may be quick to accuse, because the precise truth is not as important to them as it is to others. She was also teaching me not to be so quick to accuse others.

Mum was right, but the opposite can also be true. Most people, especially, I hope, those who are redeemed, are basically honest and sincere-hearted folks. Sure, we have our sins and our weaknesses, but overall we tend to deal with people in a straightforward way. We also know that we fail very often, and we tend to extend that grace to others, when their shortcomings are made manifest, that we hope we will receive when our failings are made known. We are not quick to point our finger and say, "Liar!"

Most of the time, this way of dealing with people is proper and good and promotes harmony. Straightforward. Slow to take offense or accuse. Willing to cover transgressions with love. Humbly submitting to authority and respecting personal boundaries. Thinking the best of everyone whenever possible. However, the same traits that make you agreeable to most people, can make you an easy victim of a person with a genuine personality disorder.

That is not to say that we should give up this way of dealing with people and become suspicious and accusing. In fact, losing the ability to trust others is part of the damage that abusive relationships can cause. The biblically astute reader will also see that list of positive traits and recall Scriptures that teach us that is the way we ought to behave toward our fellow men.

It is also true that most healthy people find it difficult to believe that someone else they know well is lying, scheming, or dealing with them in an unstraightforward way. It is especially difficult to come to this conclusion when the person in question holds a position with church authority. We tend to dismiss suspicions, push accusing thoughts aside, and even rebuke ourselves for even thinking it possible that the Rev. So-and-so might be lying, mismanaging church funds, or mistreating other church members.

When others are having difficulties with us and blaming us for the problem, we tend to take such criticism seriously. Even if we know we didn't do what we are accused of, we tend to look inward to find out what we did to create the misunderstanding, and figure out what we can do to make it better. When dealing with most people, this is a good thing to do.

The Scriptures do tell us though, that there are liars and schemers among men, and even among the leaders of the church. In fact, the group of people for whom Jesus had the most criticism were self-serving and dishonest ecclesiastical leaders. He sat down to eat with the dishonest tax collectors and drank from the cup of the idolatrous Samaritan woman, yet He granted no such familiarity to the scribes and Pharisees whom He likened to vipers and wolves and whitewashed tombs.

Likewise, the Scriptures do warn us that there are some people whom we must treat with more caution than we do others. We are warned that flatterers cannot be trusted and use flattery for their own ends. (See my previous post on flattery, with Scripture references, here .) We are told not to rebuke fools or scoffers, as the only result we can expect is a counter-attack (Proverbs 9:7 and others). In fact, this is exactly the reaction to rebuke you should expect from someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. Right after His warning to us not to judge one another and to avoid hypocrisy, Jesus tells us, "Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under your feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." Obviously, then, we are not being judgmental or hypocritical when we discern who these fools, flatterers, dogs, and scoffers are and learn to avoid the dangers they present. One theme of all these verses seems to be to keep away from such people because dealing with them will cause you harm. Rebuke most people, when necessary, and you have been a true friend. Rebuke these people, and you will likely become a victim.

Consider also how difficult it is for a third party to look in and figure out what is happening. When you hear that two people are having trouble getting along, don't you assume that the blame for the trouble can probably be rather equally assigned? Maybe Person A did something wrong, then Person B made too big a deal of it and was mean in making his complaint, then Person A reacted defensively and refused repent, then Person B pridefully refused to let the matter rest. This is the sort of thing that we see happen with normal sinful people all the time, and when we hear about interpersonal problems, it's usually a safe guess to assume this sort of dynamic is going on, and both people are at least partly to blame. Yet sometimes this is not the case. Sometimes a covertly aggressive person is attacking a person whom they see as a threat in a subtle and slick way designed to make detection by outsiders very difficult.

So let's say that a covertly aggressive person accuses you of something. If he questions your intentions, how will you prove to a third party what your real intentions were? If he claims you said something to him in private, how will you defend yourself against the claim? If he characterizes the way you acted, how will you prove otherwise? Even if what you did was done before witnesses, if the third party was not one of those witnesses, how will he know who is telling the truth? All a witness can say anyway is that they don't remember something happening. They can't swear that something they don't remember seeing happen didn't happen. Follow this link  for a further explanation of how difficult it can be for an outsider to understand that a covert attack is taking place. (The article is difficult to follow, but worth some effort, as it illustrates this problem well.)

Considering how difficult it can be for a person to come to the realization that they are being victimized, and add to that the difficulty they will have in convincing a third party of the problem, one can see how hard it can be for a victim to get help. It can also be very difficult for authorities to untangle the lies and get to the truth so justice can be served.

One of the commenters to a previous post mentioned that this problem points out the need for denominational structure that holds pastors and elders accountable, because without such accountability, abusive leaders can flourish unabated. I am in total agreement with that assessment, and believe that that accountability is the only way, short of criminal prosecution when appropriate, for removing a manipulative or abusive pastor. However, even when that structure is in place, it is very difficult for those leaders to correctly identify the problem--and if they do, they will find they have a tiger by the tail.

They do not personally know the parties involved, especially the congregants. They will likely have a lot of experience with conflict resolution involving 'normal' sinners and relatively little dealing with pathological personalities. It will be even more difficult for them to believe that their colleague in the ministry is acting as wickedly as his victims claim as it was for those victims to come to that realization themselves. After all, what the victim knows to be true, because he witnessed it, the third party cannot know for sure. The typical manipulator will usually be able to convince his followers to testify on his behalf, sometimes knowingly lying, and at other times having been deceived themselves. The third party can only weigh conflicting testimony and attempt to find the truth--a process that can feel like trying to pin down a cloud.

Most of these church leaders have probably served as pastors and had to deal with congregants who are controlling and accusative. They know what it feels like to be an abused pastor, and when the pastor in a problem church is claiming that he is unfairly under attack, the story may seem familiar and believable. Even if they become personally convinced that the pastor is the problem, they may not feel they have the level of proof necessary to convict him of sin or remove him from church office.

The hope of dealing effectively with an abusive situation diminishes even more when you add to this confusion the fact that any denominational officers who are perceived by the narcissist as a threat are likely to find themselves coming under attack by the narcissist or his supporters and be distracted by the need to defend themselves, the pressure of dealing with threats of lawsuits and potential harm to their own reputations.

So what needs to be done about all this? In general, I think the Church lacks awareness of this problem, even though the Scriptures give us clear warnings about it. Awareness needs to come on two levels. I believe lay people need to be taught not only the verses which teach us how we should treat one another, but also those verses which warn us about people who use and abuse, even, unfortunately, when those abusers are church officers. We hear many sermons and read many devotionals on how we need to forgive one another and love one another, yet we hear few on protecting ourselves from flatterers, scoffers, and modern day Pharisees. It is not the nature of healthy people to be suspicious of these things in others. Just as we need to make our naturally trusting children aware of the dangers of trusting strangers, we need to make ourselves aware of the dangers of entanglements with manipulative and covertly aggressive people.

Second, I believe pastors, elders, and others who are in a position to hold other church officers accountable need to be trained to detect and deal with this problem. Perhaps a team of specialists is called for, as these people are well-known for hoodwinking their doctors and counselors as well as others. Yet a specialist cannot even attempt to diagnose this kind of problem unless the local church officers are trained to pick up on warning signs and call them in.

One resource I can recommend, especially to pastors and church officers, is an audio CD of a presentation by Ed Keinath at the 2004 Peacemaker's Conference. You can order a copy of Abuse of Authority: Dealing with Power Abuses by Church Leaders here. The presentation is only a brief introduction to the problem, but it touches on describing the problem, helping the victims recover spiritually, and helping pastors who are abusing their authority.

Let me end this otherwise depressing post with some encouragement. A manipulative person may successfully deceive men, but he will never deceive God. God may allow wickedness to escape the judgment of men, and He may allow His people to become victims of evil deeds. However, as in all things, God is sovereign and His will will be done. It is His will that all things will work out for the good of those who love Him and are the called according to His purpose. Therefore, we, the people of God, can trust that any trials that have come our way will be used for our good, as well as for the glory of God. Perhaps they will enable us to help others similarly afflicted. Perhaps they will strengthen our faith in God by shaking our faith in men or our faith in our works.

As with all of our troubles, our comfort is in the cross of Christ. God Himself has done for us all that we need. He is our salvation; He is our protection; He is our justice. We need to remember that these things are in His hands. When we remember that God holds all power to keep and to save, we can also know that our abuser has no power over us at all. Our abuser's words cannot condemn us when our Advocate is Jesus Christ, who sits at the right hand of the Father and pleads our cause. If the God of All Creation finds our pitiful souls worth dying for, the opinion of a mere man can't alter His opinion. And God assures us in His Word that He will never turn away those who call upon His name. If you are willing to call upon Him it is because He has made you so, and He has made you so because it is His will to make you His own. No one whom He wills to make His own will be snatched from His hand by an abuser or anyone else. So let us stop trying to please men and serve appearances, and lay our sins and our weaknesses before God in repentance and in trust.

All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Comments

[kathryn]

I found your blog through browsing on pcablogs.com, and just finished reading your series of posts. Wow, that brings back some memories that I'd rather forget.

My experience wasn't in a church, it was a parachurch organization. The leaders of the local prolife group were people that my family had known for several years, they were members of the homeschool group that my parents were on the board of, so we thought that we knew them well. Through a series of events, we ended up getting involved in prolife activism, and everything went along smoothly for a few years, until the woman started seeing my mother as a threat. My aunt lived in a town where a major prolife organization was headquartered, they went to church pastored by a big name in the activist side of the prolife movements. Basically, because of that, my aunt would find out things that were going on, and because my mom would talk on the phone with my aunt a lot, naturally my mom would hear things from my aunt before the local leaders heard about it from the national leaders, and before the local leaders decided to bestow the information upon us. It just ate that woman up that she wasn't able to totally control my mom. This woman was very good at manipulating and controlling people, we see that now, though at the time nobody realized it soon enough to get away without getting hurt.

It was a weird situation, everything came to a head with a meeting that was supposed to be several couples involved talking out their differences with the leadership couple, it turned into the couple trying to turn the other couples against my parents (I wasn't supposed to be hearing any of the conversation, but I was in the other room and heard everything), and it was just nasty. They sent out letters, called my parents and two other couples loose cannons and all sorts of things. At some point after that, a few weeks I think, we happened to be over visiting my aunt when a national prolife leader was speaking at her church, that lead to a meeting with the pastor, the national leader, my parents, the couple, and one half of another of the couples who had been attacked. The national guy really had no idea what was going on, and everybody sort of sat there blindsided while the couple went on a full blown attack on my mom, my mom ended up being forced to say that she hated the woman (which was a complete and utter lie), and then it was all supposed to be good, it was all dumped on my mom's head. A few days later and after seeking advice from some trusted friends, my mom ended up sending out a letter to all who were at the meeting, saying that she lied and did not hate the woman, and that she never had hated her, and basically that was the last real contact we've had with those people in a decade. The national leader who was at the meeting didn't know what the real deal was, he thought it was just the sort of difference of opinion that he had to work out with someone a few years before, it wasn't until last year that he finally saw what sort of manipulative controlling people they were, when he found himself in dissagreement with them and they cut off contact with him and started badmouthing him.

It's such a sad situation, because in the intervening decade they've become worse than when we knew them, back then they were just manipulative and controlling, now they've wandered off the path of orthodoxy and have a house church that, from the best I can tell, has all of the markings of a cult. Their daughter-in-law died at the end of last year, bled to death after giving birth at home without any medical assistance, after they refused to call an ambulance until it was too late and wouldn't let anyone else there call either. The woman is now facing felony charges for practicing midwifery without a license, and rather than realizing that they did anything wrong, it's all everybody else's fault, and anybody who says anything against them is an apostate.

The hardest thing in all of this is that when we look back on all that transpired, it's extremely difficult to pinpoint exactly what happened. At times, you almost start thinking that maybe you were in the wrong, that maybe if you'd handled things differently none of it would have happened. And to compound things, at the same time they were accusing my parents all sorts of horrible things, the woman was being all nice and friendly to me and my siblings, and I almost felt like I was being asked to make a choice between my parents and them, which is not a fun position for a highschooler to be put in. There was no way that would work on me, I heard too much, but still, today I've got a college education, I've moved on but when I look back it seems like they're still reaching through the years and trying to mess with my mind. Even though I know that I can use the experience for good (today, I can see through anything remotely 'off' long before anybody else does), it's not something I'd wish on my worse enemy.

[Gin]

This is the first time I've commented here. Thanks, Dory, for a great series of posts. They've been very helpful. I'm new to blogging and have enjoyed reading yours.

[Newmodel]

I have so much to say on this topic of abuse...I've not only studied it for years, but experienced it personally, through being excommunicated, going through situations individually, and through counseling others who were victims of it.

Everything that Dory said would fit my situations and experiences...they do lie, they do project, they definitely have a sense of grandeur that involves them being connected with "big names." These people are extremely paranoid and can be your best friends one moment and have half your friends turned against you in the next!

As for sense of humor...in my situation, they had a sense of humor...I WAS IT! THE BRUNT OF CRUEL JOKES! Empathy? left me alone for hours crying because of them shunning me and me not having a clue what I did wrong. When I later asked WHY? The response was, "We knew what you needed, but giving into that would just have fed your manipulations of us" When I was asked "what would you do in that situation?" I responded, "I would have hugged me anyway, manipulative or not...I was hurting because you were ignoring me and wouldn't tell me why...I deserved a hug and was feeling insecure and you didn't care!" Their response, "oh, well I couldn't do that"

If you dare to confront the situation...then YOU BECOME THE PROBLEM. They like to keep things very secretive and hidden. It's been a secret for years and how DARE you think you are now going to blow their cover?!

Preoccupied with appearance? Heck yeah! And furthermore...if you are with them..if YOU don't look good, THEY don't look good and OUT YOU GO, in favor of someone who will BETTER REPRESENT OUR VISION!

As far as withdrawing attention...being that I tend to be codependent, and they knew this since the relationship began with me seeking them for help in overcoming it...THEY USED IT TO THEIR ADVANTAGE. Any time I was "bad" (aka: caught on to what they were doing to myself or others and dared to address it and point it out as being SIN) I was ignored, shunned, mocked and mistreated. Of course, I was told "You aren't being PUNISHED...SEE LAURA, you are so insecure...don't you know that we love you no matter what you do? You need to be dependent on GOD not us, that's your problem"...however, they were fostering depedence on them at the same time.

Even as I write all this, the fear of them FINDING OUT somehow is still there. I'm still in contact with some of these people, so I'd appreciate this staying as private as possible. I love these folk more than they even realize, and I long for this all to come to a head, as they are now most likely going to do this to another person that is with them even as we speak, who I used to be very close to.

Please just pray and realize we can only change our world...one person at a time...starting with OURSELVES :)

Health and a Hopefilled future to all

~"NewModel"

[marcy]

I've been told I have a fair number of manipulative and controlling behaviors myself.

I'm also terribly afraid of such behavior from others.

For these and other reasons, I find relationships and community pretty difficult. I think some of my discomfort in my current church is a good discomfort, because community and relationship do not come naturally to me, but we're called to them anyway. But I'm also very afraid, and having a bit of a hard time understanding where the boundaries should lie.

[WordGirl]

Bless you for shedding light on this! How very helpful, especially the last paragraph. Beautiful. That's exactly what I have to remind myself of every day. An excellent resource is: "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" by Johnson and VanVonderen. I would highly recommend it to ANYONE in this situation.
Thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Glad you allowed for anonymous comments in this case. This was an excellent series on a topic that needs greater attention. Be aware that even Big Name Christian leaders can be manipulative and abusive. People with highly popular books, conferences, radio programs. When you hear that they in fact publish lies, mislead the public, exploit their staff, etc., don't dismiss it with the thought that surely someone with his or her reputation could not possibly do such things.

The article linked above on "Covert Aggression" gives a good description of how third parties often fail to recognize the signs of a manipulative person. The article "Psychopathology in a Suit" says there is a higher proportion of abusive types in such areas as business, politics, law enforcement agencies, law firms, and religious organisations. "They have a predatory quality to them and the prey is always around certain areas."

If you are or have been in a relationship of this kind, be utterly convinced that the greatest spiritual growth comes through crises and suffering, and that God can use even dysfunctional relationships in a powerful way for healing and renewal as you turn to Him. "This is a people plundered and looted," says Isaiah 42. But later, "Can plunder be taken from warriors, or captives from the fierce? Yes!" (Isaiah 49) God can rescue you from a predatory relationship and help you grow stronger through the process.

[louise]

Absolutely fantastic reading.I have been dealing with the aftermath of getting involved in a controlling church and it has taken me two and a half years to recover properly.I feel as if you are writing about the same place I was in.Anyhows it is very difficult to see this stuff as its subtle and these people are masters of guilt tripping you for "having a bad heart" if you smell a rat.Thanks I do believe more needs to be done to make christians aware of the dangers

[Kathy]

Dear Dory,
I was in tears as I read your last paragraphs. "But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ." Thanks so much.

[A. Fitzgerald]

Jesus did eat with a Pharisee named Simon. Please note: Luke 7:36

[Anna]

Yes, but remember Simon insulted Jesus by refusing Him the appropriate hospitatlity and respect, and then accused Him of sin in the presence of all the other guests.

[sarah]

I was involved in a controlling church for 2 years. Yes, at first bells did ring inside me saying "is this a cult?" I stayed though. I felt like I could never leave and if I did I would know so much more than any other church so I would never find my place. (Which I found was a total lie once I went to a new church) Yes, other churches are sharing the gospel and really loving God and people. Let me tell you, I was so incredibly depressed when I first left. I had no friends because all my friends went to the church. But, the process strengthened my walk with God and made me really dig into the word and pray. Even though I did go through a tuff time, I grew ;)