Controlling Personalities in the Church: The Warning Signs

Note: This is the second post in a series. All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a controlling personality or a controlling organization can testify about how difficult--even traumatic--breaking away from such a relationship can be. We can all save ourselves a lot of grief if we can avoid such relationships in the first place. It is the purpose of this post to help identify the warning signs of an unhealthy or manipulative church dynamic so that when we are evaluating churches for possible membership or find ourselves newcomers in a church, we can avoid entanglements with controlling people while leaving is still relatively easy.

I want to make a couple points here before I begin. Please forgive me if I am repeating myself, but I feel they are important. I am not a mental health professional or a certified counselor. I am a layman sharing information that I hope will be beneficial to people facing encounters with manipulative people in the Church. As such, I am not giving any advice on diagnosis or treatment of these people.

Second, the manipulative techniques and behaviors I describe are often present in healthy, well-developed people to some extent. Sometimes they are sin, and at others times, in their proper place, they are a perfectly legitimate form of exercising healthy leadership for unselfish purposes. As Christians we need to consider our own behaviors with honest self-evaluation based on Biblical principles. When these behaviors, though, define they way a person relates to others and are used as a means of getting what that person wants for selfish reasons (adoration, power, money, sex, praise, fame, or even the thrill of having people angry and upset at them), they become the problem I am trying to address in these posts--a problem that can cause great emotional and spiritual damage to its victims.

What I have done here is pull together information on what the characteristics of a manipulative Church dynamic looks like and then use that information, personal experience, and the testimony of past victims of spiritually abusive churches to come up with things that might alert us to possible problems. The two books I have listed in my sidebar, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, and Toxic Faith, by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, are sources for information on what manipulative church systems look like, as is this web site, by Ron Henzel.

One or more of these characteristics might be present in a healthy church, and sometimes differences between the legitimate characteristic and its manipulative counterpart is very subtle. For example, it may be difficult to tell the difference between legitimate, heart-felt, warm hospitality and the manipulative love-bombing technique (described below), that is used to evaluate potential new members and groom them for membership in a manipulative group.

The first piece of advice that I would give, then, is to listen to your gut feelings. If you read the accounts victims give of their experience or if you talk to people about what they went through, you will hear again and again that they were uncomfortable from time to time, that warning bells were going off, but they ignored them, or chalked them up to individual quirkiness. Everyone has their faults and quirks, after all. Yet, if you find yourself often pushing concerns aside, or censoring your own evaluations or opinions, or concealing things about yourself that might not be acceptable in this group, carefully consider whether or not you are responding to manipulation.

Here are some possible warning signs. I'd appreciate hearing from you if you can add to or expound upon these.

An Initiation Process
We all hope our churches warmly welcome newcomers, help them to meet new friends in the congregation, and help them become acquainted with the activities and programs from which they would most benefit and to which they could contribute. Many otherwise good churches fail in this regard, but when it is done well and with a sincere heart, it is of great benefit to the newcomers and to the body of Christ.

However, manipulative church systems typically have a warm, friendly welcome, too, but for other purposes. Those who research cults refer to this technique as love-bombing. Newcomers are enveloped in warm, flattering, over-loving welcome. It seems too good to be true, and it is. Let's look at some of the things we might pick up on as differences.

First, are introductions steered toward a small group of very faithful members or are they wide-ranging? For example, in a healthy church when someone hears of your interests or occupation, they may suggest you meet another person with similar interests. In a manipulative church, you might be encouraged to meet so-and-so, who, "is a very faithful member and can show you the ropes." Or, your social interactions may be monopolized by the pastor, the elders, or a select few members. Perhaps when you arrive at the church dinner, you are quickly whisked away and shown where to sit and with whom. Manipulators want to steer you away from unhappy or disgruntled members from whom you might hear complaints or negative information or who can't be trusted to give the party line. Try to circulate among as many members as you can.

In abusive churches, there may be many members who understand that they are not among the favored few. They may be struggling with shame or ostracization. They may know they are not trusted. These folks may feel intimidated not to show hospitality to newcomers whom they know are being groomed for membership. You might find yourself in conversation with one of these folks at some event, feel you made a real connection, and then be disappointed that they never show you further hospitality.

There may be a suggestion that your relationship with the pastor or someone else be one of discipleship--with the assumption that since you are the newcomer you are spiritually less mature and need to be discipled. This discipleship may turn out to be intrusive and controlling.

During the initiation phase into a manipulative group there is much flattery. You will be complimented on your sincere convictions, your intelligence, your character, etc. You may hear that you are just the sort of people this church needs more of. You may even hear that not everyone can join, but that you do qualify for this special group.

You will be sold on the uniqueness of this church. Healthy churches might point out their characteristics and vision in an effort to help you decide if this is the church that fits your convictions. Unhealthy churches will denigrate other churches and try to convince you that this is the only church that anyone should attend.

You may be given accounts of past problems in the church and explanations for why all this was the fault of others. For example, you may hear of a group of people who were in some sort of sin, caused a problem in the church, and then were expelled or left on their own. Manipulative people use this sort of technique in order to prepare you ahead of time when they expect you might hear of these problems from others. Later, when you hear of the complaints of a former church member, you may be predisposed, by the information you hear now, to think the fault lies with the former member. We tend to believe what we heard first when contradictory information is given.

You may hear stories that glorify the pastor or other controlling person. You might hear of how he endured trials, especially the attacks of others, or stood alone for what is right. Abusive churches are very personality centered. Charismatic or continuing-revelation churches may claim the pastor has a 'special annointing'. Others may refer to God choosing them for this special purpose.

Descriptions of the congregation may be very performance-oriented. None of our children are in public schools. Our teens don't rebel. Our children are well-behaved. Our women are modest.

There may be a noticeable difference in how new members or visitors are treated and how older members are treated. In normal relationships new friends are great, but old friendships are the warmest and the deepest. If there is a lack of warm, comfortable relationships in the church, and newcomers are showered with attention while old friends are ignored, there may be a problem. Remember, if you join this church, you'll be an old friend one day.

New member classes are a good idea, because membership vows should not be taken lightly, and everyone should be fully informed about what they are getting into as they submit to the leadership of a church. However, in manipulative churches there are purposes for these classes other than giving such information. Potential members are groomed to accept standards for such things as dress or family culture (TV watching rules, child training methods, education choices), to accept a certain level of intrusiveness into their personal lives, and to commit to keeping group information confidential. Perhaps there is an emphasis on the authority of church leadership. Perhaps there is information on how your commitment to your church should exceed your commitment to your extended family. Perhaps there are instructions given on how to (or more likely how not to) handle concerns about the pastor. Perhaps financial commitment is emphasized. In short, these classes are not for getting you informed, but rather they are to make you committed and cooperative.

Uniformity
You may also notice a lack of individuality in the congregation, and a certain uniformity. In any group there tends to be trends and style norms, but in manipulative groups individuality is squelched. Does everyone use the same version of the Bible? Do the women all wear their hair the same way and choose the same dress and jewelry styles? Are the children all dressed alike? Does every family educate their children in the same way? Do they all drive the same kind of car? Do they all read the same books and watch the same movies (or watch no movies at all)?

Lack of Debate
In healthy churches there are differences of opinion on non-essential doctrines, even if the church teaches them one way or another. Debate is not welcome in manipulative churches. Let's say a Sunday School teacher is teaching eschatology from a premillennial point of view. Would someone be comfortable asking a question that presented a different view? Would there be a friendly debate? Can the teacher admit that though he is convinced of his view, he could be wrong? Can he admit that those who hold another view are still his Christian brothers and sisters? In manipulative churches people with different opinions on non-essential doctrines learn to keep quiet.

Elitism and Isolationism
Healthy churches see themselves as one small part of the body of Christ, and as such, part of the fellowship of believers throughout the world and throughout time. In abusive churches, however, there is an emphasis on the specialness of this particular body and why we need to keep ourselves separate from all the corrupted churches and inferior churches that are 'out there'. Even if the congregation is a part of a denomination, it may be that the other churches in the denomination don't get it right either. In time, as the members absorb these ideas, they feel that if they leave this congregation, they are leaving the True Church.

It is also necessary to keep members from having interaction with other congregations and possibly finding a connection with them. Therefore, the abusive church is not likely to encourage activities that require inter-congregational cooperation. So when you visit a new church, find out if they take part in service projects or cooperative activities with other congregations. Do they give their members information about the denominational women's group activities? Do they support the missions projects of the denomination?

A lack of missions activity can also be a warning sign. If you have a zeal for increasing the worldwide body of Christ for the glory of God, you will have a zeal for missions. If you are interested in having control over more people in your local congregation, sending funds or people across the ocean for missions is a waste of money and resources.

Another sign of elitism and isolation is labeling. If, "He's a ----" (Calvinist, Charismatic, Premillennialist, or whatever), is enough to discredit someone, there may be a problem.

Yet another sign of elitism is a censoring of reading materials or ministries that you may learn from. I was once in a Christian bookstore and my pastor saw me there with an armload of books. He looked at the stack, pulled out two and said, "Read this one and this one and throw the others away." He was joking. Sort of. In some churches it may not be said out loud that you should consult the pastor to find out if reading materials are safe or not, but people feel compelled to do it. In other churches it is said out loud.

Isolationism can also take the form of attempting to distance members from their family. Sometimes this is overt, but more often it is subtle. You may be encouraged to consider your family to not be true Christians.

You may also be encouraged to believe that you were not a Christian before you came to this church, too. I heard of a pastor who, when he wished to impress other pastors, would introduce a certain member of his church and then imply that his ministry had brought her to Christ. He'd say things like, "She's still smoky, we just snatched her out of the fire." It was often repeated until one day the woman responded by saying, "Why pastor, I've been a Christian longer than you have!" (Which was the truth.) She later overheard the same scenario, only this time it was another woman, a more cooperative woman, 'snatched from the fire'.

Performance Orientation
So what is the difference between obedience and legalism? Sometimes at first glance it's a tough call. Abusive churches tend toward legalism, though, so it is important to pick up on this dynamic. Bragging about the behavior of congregants is a warning sign that legalism is in play, though it may be subtly expressed as how beautifully they display the gifts of the Spirit, or how Spirit-filled they are. (And don't you want to be Spirit-filled, too?)

Preaching in legalist churches tends to cross the line between teaching Biblical principles and deciding for you how to apply those principles. Legalists add to the law of God. Legalist churches have rules such as: It's wrong to wear (or not wear) crosses; Christmas trees are idolatrous; mothers must breastfeed their babies; parents must homeschool their children.

One clue to legalism is to pay attention to what people apologize for or feel the need to explain. In one group I know of, every time a mother gives an infant a bottle she feels the need to explain that it is breast milk, or that she did nurse, but recently stopped, etc. Why is this explanation needed? Are parents explaining that they only have three children because they couldn't have any more for medical reasons? Are young men quick to explain that their wives only work part time and they will quit as soon as they have children? These kinds of statements reveal a spoken or unspoken standard that people are nervous about not living up to. It also demonstrates a preoccupation with how things look, rather than how they are.

Often manipulative churches are quick to say that salvation is not based upon obedience, but on faith alone. However, they may also encourage members to question their faith and salvation if they do not meet that church's legalist standards. Combine that with the elitism we discussed earlier, and it is easy to see why people come to believe that if they do not meet the standards to remain in good standing with the only faithful church around, they may not be in good standing with God either.

Secrecy
Abusive churches must keep secrets. The church budget and the pastor's salary are often not disclosed. The method for calling elders or deacons to service may not be clear. The process for decision-making or setting the church's mission or agenda may be invisible. A newcomer asking questions about these things may find the answers confusing or evasive.

A History of Disgruntled Members and Staff
Do you hear of assistant pastors, administrators or mission leaders who left on a sour note? Is there a history of elders leaving on bad terms? Is the bulk of the congregation fairly new members, with a large turnover of members over the years? When all these staff members and congregants left was their own sin always at the root of the problem? I know of one pastor who actually bragged that his arrival at the church caused all but one of the elders to resign and all but a handful of families to leave the church. Why did they leave? Because they hate the truth and are in rebellion against God, he said.

Pet Scriptures and Sayings
Are there favorite verses of Scripture or favorite sayings oft-repeated by the pastor or other leaders? What are they, and how are they interpreted? Manipulators use verses and sayings to shame people into compliance. Here are some of the most common I found in my reading:

Do not touch My anointed ones and do My prophets no harm. Psalm 105:15. Interpretation: Do not criticize or complain about the pastor.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9 Interpretation: You can't trust your own judgment, you must trust your leaders.

Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  For I have come to turn `a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; Matthew 10: 34-37. Interpretation: You must distance yourself from your extended family and make this church your true family.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. Matthew 18:15. Interpretation: If you have a complaint against your pastor, you can't share it with anyone else but must handle it one-on-one. (Imagine this if your complaint was that he had been abusive. The victim is required to confront his or her abuser in private before any further action can be taken.)

There are also pet sayings you may pick up on. One pastor liked to say, "Hard preaching makes soft hearts," and use it as justification for sermons that were designed to provoke shame and guilt. Another liked to say, "You can measure your commitment to God by how you spend your time and how you spend your money." True enough, but this was used to shame people into working harder and tithing more to prove the sincerity of their faith.

Sometimes the oft-repeated words speak of emphasis, and not necessarily misinterpretation. Is the emphasis of a church on something other than the Gospel of Grace and the worship of God?

Unspoken Rules
You don't usually know about these until you have violated one. The rules are legalistic, and you will be corrected when you break them.

If you find yourself concealing things about yourself because you are not sure the group would find them acceptable, you may have sensed the presence of unspoken rules. Do you not mention that you are familiar with a certain movie? Do you not talk about your square dance club until you find out what the congregational standard is on dancing? Listen to your gut. Is it telling you there is pressure to conform?

Lots of Workers, Few Decision Makers
Are volunteers in the church given liberty in organizing and running events and projects or are all decisions tightly controlled by a few people? Are most volunteer jobs strictly labor? Is the pastor or his wife on nearly every committee that operates in the church? In a healthy church there is a balance between accountability to the leadership and delegation of decision-making tasks.

Authoritarian Leadership and Lack of Accountability
Biblical leadership carries with it real authority. However, the Biblical model of leadership is one of servant leadership. Jesus Christ laid down His life for His sheep, and good shepherds should follow that model. Biblical leaders work for the benefit of those whom they lead. This does not mean they do not lead, but it does mean they do not lead in order to gratify themselves. Leaders should be respected and they should be given the tools they need (resources and cooperation, for example) to do the Lord's work.

However, the human flesh is weak and easily tempted. There is no class of people that Jesus Christ was harder on than corrupt and selfish church leaders. Not once do we read of Him lashing out at Rome's oppressive rulers, but time and time again we read of His outrage at the Scribes and Pharisees, expressed in the harshest terms. Whitewashed tombs, He called them. Wolves. Brood of Vipers.

God, knowing our weak frame, has given us a structure for church authority. He tells us to have a multitude of counselors, all under the authority of King Jesus. Abusers, however, wish to operate on their own. They want to be king of the congregation. Their approach to this may be very subtle. A church council may be in place, but each elder is hand-picked and known to be cooperative. They may be inexperienced churchmen who got their elder training only from this pastor, or overworked businessmen who are relieved to let the pastor make all the decisions. The elders themselves may be manipulated and lied to and have information kept away from them. In a church with no denominational structure there may be no church council at all.

Manipulators devise various ways to avoid accountability through operating procedures. The newcomer may need to ask some questions to find out what these procedures are. Who is the church treasurer? (If it is the pastor or his wife, run away!) How often does the treasurer report the finances to the congregation? How detailed is the financial report? Can you see the last one? Honest church leaders shouldn't be offended by such questions. After all, if you are going to be giving 10% of your income to this organization, it is only prudent to know how the money will be managed.

Ask to see the church's vision statement. Ask who wrote it, and how it was adopted. Then compare the stated vision with what is happening around you. Are these goals being pursued, or are they just for show? Is the emphasis in the vision statement the same as the emphasis in action? Is the emphasis Biblical?

Ask about congregational meetings. How often are they held? Can anyone bring up a matter for discussion, or are the meetings tightly controlled? Meetings need to be controlled enough to keep them on track and yet open enough to allow for free communication between the people and the leadership.

Chances are if you ask all these questions a healthy church might think you're a bit odd, but an abusive church will most likely let you know you're not welcome!

  All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Comments

[Beentheredonethat]

Dory, I wish I had read this eight years ago! It would have saved me so much pain and trauma. As I read this, example after example from my life kept popping into my head. Especially not listening to the alarms in my head. I'd hear him lie. I'd know it was a lie. I'd feel the pressure. I'd say things I didn't want to say and do things I didn't want to do. Yet somehow I felt it must be right. Now I look back and see what a fool I was. But it is so subtle. You just don't figure it out until it's too late. I hope I know better now. I hope. God help me and help His church.

[Terry]

WOW!!! It's almost like you were there in my situation - took me 8 years to wise up and get free. I would give anything to be able to convince some of the current members to leave - run away. But, I am not God - I don't know why He allows us to go through these things. I am just grateful to be free and I wish His grace and mercy on all those still in these abusive churches. Some of them are just not able to see it - they have become 'comfortable victims'.

Lord, help me to never, ever treat people in a less than honorable, loving way.

[Paula]

My brother and my sister's family are caught in a church like this. And 'caught' is a very accurate word because this type of church is a trap. The man leading this church is so manipulative and his methods are insidious. It is very soft wool he has pulled over their eyes. He has made them quite comfy. I especially pray for my brother because of the anger I see in him.

[cwv warrior]

Dear Dory,
I cannot read these posts. We have already fled for reasons i won't go into. When I think of organized church, i kinda get sick. Maybe next you could do a roundup on good churching. I'd really like to have input on how to find a solid community, on the Rock. Just can't handle any negative right now. I'm way too cynical and messed up. You seem so level headed, i'm sure this is a good subject for many. Trusting in Jesus Christ alone, i could really like something upbeat. Are ya up for it?

[Catez]

Hi Dory,
Good summary and examples. I was in an abusive church for about 5 years and recognise some of these things. I was hesitant to comment because so much of that has healed now so I didn't want to re-open things. My advice to people who realise what they are caught in is to leave. I think in your previous post you mentioned setting boundaries. That works in individual situations with people sometimes - but when the leadership is abusively controlling and the church reflects that as a norm then it's better to just get out. One thing I do know is that sticking with Jesus in one's personal relationship is the way to recovery. I've seen people I know become very bitter and that has affected their own relationship with God. Getting some help is a good idea - a Christian counsellor for example. I also know some people who did that. Our relationship with God is precious.

[cwv warrior]

Catez,
That is beautiful...Precious indeed. THank God, He has been so faithful to hold onto me and shown me how to hold on to HIM. This is an awesome reminder. As we talk about the less pure things of the church, God is ALWAYS GOOD. He will not fail us.

[Diane R]

Dory,
I've studied this topic for over two dcades now and I must say you have done an outstanding and thorough job. I don't think I can add much more.
I tried to send a trackback from my blog but as usual, haloscan and blogger were not cooperating...LOL. Anyway, I did link to your two articles. I will also be taking up this subject up later at the end of summer. Perhaps we can have a dialog at that point.

[John]

Dory, I was born again under a great old - fashioned gospel preacher 25yrs ago, then he left and another pastor came in who was a total control freak.

He turned people against each other in order to manipulate the weak ones and he did this very well.

I thought that I could change things by confronting him and his manipulative schemes, I was wrong, they asked me to leave, however, praise the Lord! it took me into greater blessing which I still enjoy today.

Great post and a must read for every Christian!

GBYAY

[Teem]

This is a really good and important post. I've never experienced an abusive church but I know many, many wounded Christians. May they experience healing.

[David M.]

Dory,

I think your series is quite good, and quite insightful. Obviously, this is a relatively common problem, judging by the comments you've received.

I did want to mention one remark you made that I think requires caution:

"You may be given accounts of past problems in the church and explanations for why all this was the fault of others. For example, you may hear of a group of people who were in some sort of sin, caused a problem in the church, and then were expelled or left on their own. Manipulative people use this sort of technique in order to prepare you ahead of time when they expect you might hear of these problems from others. Later, when you hear of the complaints of a former church member, you may be predisposed, by the information you hear now, to think the fault lies with the former member."

Now, obviously, manipulative people may use this exactly as you're saying: They may know that you'll hear about the bad things they've done, so they try and preempt it by blaming the problems on other people.

But sometimes one might hear the same account for legitimate reasons, because there is such a thing is legitimate church discipline. For example, I'm aware of a church where one of the elders sinned seriously, and when confronted about his sin, refused to repent. Many in congregation were aware of his sin. He ended up being expelled from the church (as someone who refuses to repent Biblically should be). After leaving the church, not only did he continue not to repent, but he spreads false information about the church, blames his expulsion on a failure of the church itself, etc. The church does not typically give an account of this to new attendees, but I'm sure if people ask the right questions they find out about it. By your criteria, this is a "warning sign", when in fact, it's just a sign that the church is functioning Biblically and exercising church discipline when appropriate.

This is a fine point: I agree that in some cases such talk could be a warning sign, and if it's combined with a lot of other warning signs, it becomes more likely that it really is one. But it isn't necessarily a warning sign. For example, the Westminster Confession chapter XX article IV deals to some extent with church discipline. It simply isn't true that if one hears an account of church discipline being exercised, it is necessarily a warning sign that the church is "controling".

I guess what I'm saying is this: On this issue, as with most others, there are two errors at opposing extremes. A church can become dominated by a controlling personality or personalities who really do abuse its members. But it can also become a church which is overly permissive, allowing its members to continue in serious sin without ever confronting them, which is also un-biblical and harmful to the church.

I'm sure you didn't mean it, but the quote I just mentioned made it seem like you think that any church which exercises church discipline is likely to be a controlling church. And this simply isn't true -- churches are Biblically commanded to do so.

[Dory]

David, you are exactly right, that exercising Biblical Church discipline is a GOOD sign, rather than a bad one, and this is another example of how the legitimate counterpart to the warning signs are sometimes easy to confuse with the manipulative behaviors.

I think, though, that if you are hearing these kinds of accounts intentionally given by the current church leaders (pastor or elders) during the process of your introduction to a church, you must ask the question, "Why is he telling me this?" It may be an indication of a problem.

Any church is going to have gossips among its members who are anxious to tell you things you ought not hear, and past cases of church discipline might come up then. However manipulative churches are going to have large numbers of families leaving in the midst of disputes, especially among families that work closest with the manipulator, such as pastors, elders and deacons. The manipulator will be uncomfortable with this fact, and anxious to spin the information as favorably as possible.

You are also right that all these things are no more than warning signs. You might see a few of these things when there is no problem at all. They only serve to raise our alertness to potential problems.

[Stacy L.Harp]

I see you mentioned the systems thing in this post :)

BTW, I've read all the books you mention and use them when counseling cult victims. Good stuff.

[Leanna Shoemaker]

I am someone who has experienced some of these problems in a church I was serving in for over 5 years. During the course of the time I was in a ministerial
program to be mentored by a pastor who had no experience in having a church. At first our mentor-mentee relationship worked well. Then when I was having issues with another woman (an elder's wife) who was friends with the pastor and his wife, he turned cold. At every turn he took potshots at me, humiliating me in front of the church, raising his voice and scolding me in front of the congregation, he scolded me in front of the choir one night during practice for a Sunday service, after I had been gone for 2 weeks because of a family crisis. He tried to stop me from singing outside of the church at other outings. He has done many other things and has placed a bunch of 'yes' men around him who do not question or challenge him. When we had our congregational meeting he had it during our worship service so that there would be no questionning allowed. There has never been any open discussion of monies spent on salaries. By way of another governing board member we were told that the pastor was given an increase of $1200 per month for living allowance. He has a parsonage and a salary. When we have a special event like a church wedding or party he always asks us how much it is costing us as individuals. He says he does not want us to take any money out of our own pockets. I am not the only one he is doing this too, but in the last year I have been receiving the brunt of quite alot of this. This article helped me identify that I was indeed in a very abusive, controlling church. My husband and I have left, but because there is no questionning and everyone in leadership he has positioned for his safety, there seems to be no stopping this man with overstepping his bounds as a leader. I guess we will have to leave that to God. I pray that others will have their spiritual eyes opened and that the 'spirit of truth' will do its work now. I will continue to pray for him and the people left in the church (he has had quite an exodus in the last year). Thank you for writing this article for it gave me great peace in the decision I have made, for it was a very difficult one.

[Rebekah]

This was good to read. I dated and am still friends with a man that is in a controlling church. It's quite legalistic really. Many rules...more like laws that are in this church (men and women that aren't married can't ride in cars together, women wear skirts to church, only listen to hymns). It's frustrating because he doesn't agree with a lot of these things but thinks that they are just being "cautious". But I think these rules make for a cold and "performance orientated" relationship with Jesus. It's sad. I pray everyday that his eyes will be opened and he will stop making excuses for this church (an indepedent, fundamental bible Baptist church). However, he's sold out on the teachings and he was saved there so it's hard to break away. I hope and pray someday I can testify to his leaving that church and being freed from legalistic mindsets!!!!!!

[Joann]

I used to study the Bible and attend Sunday morning Kingdom Hall meetings with a Jehovah's Witness and her husband and small daughter, so I know firsthand what it is like to be controlled and manipulated, even brainwashed, when all you want to do is develop a personal relationship with Jesus and learn how to live like a Christian. I wasn't a Christian at the time, but it did create in me a mistrust of those with personal views contrary to my own even as I became a saved Christian five years ago in April and was baptized three years ago in August. Since then, although I have the desire to be righteous and not self-righteous, and I want to love Jesus with all my heart and soul using every part of me in a way that glorifies Him, not my church, I still have a very hard time trusting any kind of doctrine that makes no sense to me whatsoever but is blindly accepted by others as "the truth" with no grounds to support it because they seem to be basing everything they hear on one person and not doing their research to understand the facts. However, because I disagree, even though it is non-essential doctrine, and it will have no negative affect on my salvation whatsoever, I am still the bad guy simply because I'm agreeing to disagree without guilt, shame, or condemnation. I am also finding my pastor's currently withholding information regarding his poor health quite disturbing. It is confusing us and leaving many of us in the dark, preventing us from properly praying for his healing, leaving some of us wondering if he is dying (he is only in his 50's), and keeping us from learning about a potential health risk that we should be guarding ourselves against (what if he has heart disease, diabetes, a contagious illness that can kill, etc, and we have no way of knowing because we are not being told?). I understand a person's right to privacy, and my pastor probably is okay, just a little stressed out is all, but nobody likes to be kept in the dark about anything. It only makes us worry and obsessed over nothing, it sets us up to pry into the private lives of others until we get the answers we need, and we tend to let our curiosity and our fear of the unknown get the best of us. In other words, we fear the worst, and we continue to do so until our fears are laid to rest. Anyway, very good article, but may I also add mind control to the picture? Abusive churches practice mind control, too, by telling us what we can and can't believe and what we can and can't think about, then they impose everything that they are taught to believe on us in a legalistic, shame-based manner. Even legitimate Christian churches sometimes do this, and it's a wonder I am continuing to struggle with my faith even today.

[Toxic Sheep No More]

I was involved in a destructive cult for many years. When I read your description of 'Love Bombing' I thought of something my friend had written about her first visit to the cult:

"The girls wore dresses and skirts that I had seen at the "old lady " departments in Dillard's and Bealls. The boys were wearing dress coats and old style pants that I had seen on older men of their 50's.I couldn't even imagine conforming to wearing those clothes and styling my hair the way they did. Well soon after we starting school , I was immersed into how kind I was treated and gifts started to get laid down at my feet. I was honored with "people person" and varies other awards. I couldn't help but think WOW they must really think I'm special and I just ate it up ! I began staying after school more and helping around the church property with the "church kids"."

I wish I had had the information in this blog years ago.
It would have saved MUCH sorrow!

[Recovering Abusive-Church Member]

I was in, from what I have read so far, an abusive/manipulative church for a little more than a year. And even though it was a relatively short time, I can't help but continue to think about whether it was me or the church who was at fault and continue to struggle with issues. First of all, the way I came to the church involved manipulation, right from the start. A friend who I was very much attracted to, asked me to write a story about the church for publicity, you can't get much more manipulative than that. So I did, and my feelings aside, I wanted to continue to go to the church. But I continued to have feelings for this girl who was the pastor's daughter, big mistake on my part. So she eventually told me she wasn't interested, but they wanted me to play guitar, because after the pastor put down the keyboardists abilities, oddly enough who left. So I felt needed. I then continued to go there, but couldn't help but feel utterly used every time I went or talked with this girl. She would agree to go out with me as a friend and then cancel at the last minute. The pastor would say he never received my emails when I was asking for help when I was emotionally distraught. He never returned my phone calls. The daughter wouldn't talk to me outside of church about Christianity either and would say, "we'll talk about that on Sunday." or "that's for Sunday" And the odd thing was that there were warning signs early on. From the start the first thing they told me was that more than 50 people had left the church, and basically it was all the others' faults. The pastor would often say they are going to fail now, or not go to church because they aren't going to his. Although more recently the pastor did admit, maybe he had something to do with it. Now, the church has dwindled to only about a handful of people. Sometimes I would go and I would be the only person in attendance outside of their immediate family. Everything that you mentioned, putting down other churches, stating they have the only True Church, constantly referring to "The Evil One" who is plotting against the pastor at every turn, he even blamed the Devil on his car breaking down. People next to me would often cringe when they heard him speak of this. But the way he and the rest in the church manipulated me was to have me play guitar and then praise how good I sounded, constantly. I would feel like, well, it's not about me it's about the service, and would wonder why they always would focus on me. These people were extremely hard to be around outside of church. They seemed to have a hard time showing emotion, and if they did, they would get mad at me to the point of submission and start crying. They never looked at self introspection and how they could grow, or what plan they needed, they just continued to do the same thing. The pastor would also come later and later to church, which made me think, if you're not going to come on time, why should I? There were a lot of things that I should have saw early on, but I don't get why people start churches like this if they don't have the emotional, financial or supportive capabilities. I'm sure him and his family have good intentions, but from my own experience, it does more harm than good. Thank you for posting this on your Web site, I will continue reading.

[Con Dact]

I like what i am reading....there are a lot of people who have experienced this abuse.....my ex-girlfriend brought me into a church where they made her break up with me after 6 months together because I was not baptized in their faith...while i was baptized Greek Orthodox as a baby, they claimed I was not a Christian ...we stayed together behind their backs for a year and a half but both endured harassment, alienation, abuse (psychological)...she could not handle it and let the church match her up with another member of the church recently who they knew would "keep her in their line" because I was not on pace with what they wanted me to do in the church...they kept telling me to join because God had big plans for me but had no plans to bless my relationship with my girlfriend because as they put it, it was started in sin.....They did everything in their power to manipulate my mind and my girlfriend's...it drove me to a near breaking point (almost driving off a bridge once) until I "woke up" and broke away...sadly she is still there and has become more like a zombie everyday..this site is good...it is just a sad thing that these churches are allowed to be out in our society messing with people's lives and minds...they got to my psyche and currently control hers...I love God and always have...but these leaders are criminals and i will continue to do research until I can expose them for what they are all really worth....abusive, controlling and criminal...if I ran off that bridge that night....it would have all been over for what....and they drove me to that breaking point....do we as a society allow them to guide people in this life??

[c.d.]

I have to say that I like this site. I am angry and sad to say that I let a church manipulate and abuse me spiritually. At the same time, they manipulated and abused my ex-girlfriend the same. I was brought into the church by my then girlfriend who was a member. They broke us up because they said we came together in sin (bunch of BS). We stayed apart a couple of months and I got baptized for her. I was already a Christian but they ran around claiming I wasn't. I should have left her and that church back in Feb. '09 when they broke us up (and she listened to them). We stayed together secretly after my baptism for 7 months (they were not allowing us to get back together) until she left me and threw me under the bus. She left me because the church was never going to bless our union. She is weak and brainwashed, they are cruel, evil and manipulative. They took her and set her up with another brainwashed fool in that church immediately to get me out of the picture. She even called me back a few times saying she missed me but she was not strong enough to tell them to go to hell (where they came from)

[John]

Thanks for this site, some great information. My wife and I left a church last summer where the leadership changed to people who were very controlling. Certainly fit some of the personality styles you describe. They made anyone who didn't share their liberal theology, or who was actively working in the church, feel very unwelcome. We stayed for a long while as other members of the congregation asked us to try and stop things changing so much. But in the end it became untenable and we had to leave. We have now left that particular denomination as well as the church. I feel that the denomination's structure was used to reinforce the lcoal clergy's power - without any attempt from higher up the leadership to verify if the clergy were doing good job or not. It makes it impossible for ordinary lay people to do anything in this situation. We felt very saddened by the whole situation. I would encourage other people to leave churches like this. This is a different sort of control to the 'charismatic leader' type that others here have shared. But it still damages God's church as the people in leadership seem to consider the church to be theirs to do with as they please. There is very little reference to God's will. I was once told that the church was "too rigid and inflexible to cope with people seeking to do God's will"!
At the time we were struggling I could not find any web sites discussing this issue, which I think is a major issue for UK churches. I have, therefore, set up a web site to explore the theology of the situation and to collate and shsre stories of problems in the UK church. I have linked to your site from mine, I hope you don't mind. It is nowhere near as good as yours the site is
http://www.wix.com/johnsonofadam/controllingchurchleadership
If you would like me to remove the link then let me knwo and I will do so. I have set this up anonymously as we still knwo many people in the church we left and don't want to make life any more uncomfortable for them.

[Rodney Noble Jr]

I wish I could go back in time, and apply this information.

[Lavice]

Wow....this is so...I'm speechless! Thought I was crazy....I'm inn tears....8years Howe do I do this LORD?! LORD PLZ 4A GIVE ME for ignore things ushowed me...for that feeling I had....How Do I do this....where do I go....I came so far....was it alie?

[Larry Schoonover]

I was doing some research on crime in the Puyallup area when I cam across your articles. After reading your articles I thought I might suggest a short eBook I wrote. It was motivated by the element you describe as “The need for control” in religious leaders. Or in any leader for that matter. Of course we all know that true leaders need NO control, for their influence is communicated by their life. Others might be compelled to follow a GOOD leader. However there are those who seek to control their families, their employees and any other circle they are a part of. If you are interested, the short eBook I mentioned is on Amazon.com They have apps for Kindle to view eBooks on any device, i.e. Kindle, iPhone, computers, etc. Abdicating The Throne speaks about relinquishing the position of sovereign controller for the sake of growth and development of others..

Abdicating The Throne
http://amzn.com/B005UF4X1W

Excerpt:
The last thing a pastor would ever want to admit; was how he acted as supreme ruler over his immediate local kingdom, he might frequently refer to as, “My Church”. It may stem from upbringing or just the way he manages his own household. The kind of leader I am talking about, reads 1 Timothy 3:5 and sees himself as commander in chief of the home; and takes on the approach of a military officer commanding the troops. Sitting at the helm he has the final say in all matters. His words might come across like, “Wife and kids, you don’t have to think; just ask me and I will tell you.” However these approaches rarely produce any kind of respect, but rather fear. At the very least, it produces a family who will not think for themselves. They will become overly dependent on others to make their decisions for them. This dominating leader likes it when his followers become totally reliant.

[forgiven]

I see some of what goes on in my church as manipulative and controlling, although I love my pastor and believe that he is a godly man. I have been the victim of public rebuke by this man on more than one occassion. I have also witnessed this with other people as victims. Writing this comment may be a form of therapy for me. I do not sense God leading me away from there, at least not yet.Sometimes he will use us to bring change in the church, but if change does not come, may choose to move us elsewhere. I have been there for many years and although I have met with him to discuss issues and been assured that all was well by him, the very things I spoke with him about came out in public rebuke later on. He seems bent on believing that there is only one way to worshop God, only one way to praise God, that his family is the model of Christian perfection and anything else is wrong. I have no trouble lining up with him on biblical matters...I believe that the word of God is 100% true and is not there to make us feel comfortable. We are held to a standard that is in line with the will and word of God as Christians and I am not looking for sermons that will "soothe my itching ears".But I am also not looking to be beaten up every Sunday and made to feel like a criminal just because I have a different style than someone else, or a different opinion about something that is not black or white. There have been things spoken that have grieved my spirit and yet I continue to forgive. I pray for the wisdom to know when and if I should leave. Not too anxious to leave just yet because once I do I don't want to go back there. I pray for the peace and confirmation to stay or the courage to go.