Wittenberg Gate

Advice When Facing Spiritual Abuse

A pastor friend who has had to face the kind of church situation I write about in my Controlling Personalities in the Church series shares his wise advice for others who think they may be facing this too common problem.

Advice When Facing Spiritual Authority Abuse

by the Rev. Reed DePace, PCA

I found myself in an impossible position. A man in spiritual leadership, a man I looked up to for his wisdom, commitment and integrity, was asking me to defend him.

Now, I've defended people before. I recognize that in appropriate circumstances, such is the proper response for those who love the Lord and His righteousness.  At times, a shepherd is responsible to defend sheep from attacks. Yet this time ...

This time I didn't agree that this man had been attacked. In fact, I thought he was the one doing the attacking. His idea of defending him was to join him in spreading innuendo laden comments about others who confronted him. To defend my friend, I was being told I needed to participate in slanderous gossip about others.

My friend was telling me that the right thing, the godly thing for me to do was to defend him against those who would call him on his sin. He made it clear, If I didn't do this I would prove myself to be one of those unjust, evil men who were wickedly going after him.

Of course I couldn't do this. And when I went to him, to urge a friend to consider his ways, I was attacked.

The pressure I felt, the confusion, the self-doubt, the hurt and anguish. And through it all, the still, small voice of the Spirit whispering through the Bible continued calling me rest in my Redeemer.

I did. I lost my friend. I was attacked. I was drawn closer by Christ to His side. I was taught to rejoice while I wept. I was blessed.

I still love my friend. I still long for the Spirit to convict him that he might be restored. I also learned how to face such circumstances next time in greater faith and confidence.

Maybe what I learned can help you.

Controlling Personalities in the Church: Manipulation Techniques and Your Defenses

This is a part of an ongoing series on the problem controlling personalities in the church. The other posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4.

Manipulation Techniques and How To Defend Against Them

The best defense against being manipulated may be to recognize it as it happens and to have an idea ahead of time about what you will do. In this post I will write about some of the techniques that are used in manipulative and cult-like groups (including churches with orthodox Christian doctrine) and some suggestions you might try to resist them.

My goal is two-fold: first, to help those who suspect they may be a part of an abusive group to determine whether or not this is the case, and second, to help those who are dealing with  controlling people to protect themselves from further manipulation.

I want to restate here that I do not wish to encourage anyone to diagnose the people with whom they are having trouble. That is the job of professionals. I am using words such as manipulative, narcissistic, covertly aggressive, abusive or controlling, not in a clinical sense, but in a broad sense to describe the problem I am trying to address.

Also, while the manipulation techniques I am going to address are typically described in literature about spiritually abusive people or groups, the presence of one or even a few of these traits does not mean the group or the person is necessarily abusive or has a personality disorder. Even healthy people occasionally manipulate or fall into a controlling leadership style. It is sometimes just an indication that someone is emotionally immature, lacks social skills and mature powers of persuasion, or is simply having a bad day. When this kind of controlling dynamic predominates as the organizing social structure for a group or is the only way in which a person seems to relate to others, however, the potential for abuse is present.

Controlling people are very good at studying people and discovering what their weaknesses and vulnerabilities are, so that when the time comes that they want something, they can exploit those vulnerabilities to get what they want. Very often the same qualities that are considered virtues in other situations can be vulnerabilities when a manipulator uses them to his or her advantage. So perhaps the first step in protecting yourself from a manipulator is to know yourself as the manipulator does.

George K. Simon, Jr., in his book In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People,  lists five characteristics that covertly aggressive people will exploit. The first is naivete. Are you the sort of person who just can't believe that this seemingly nice man standing in front of you could possibly be devious, scheming, and using aggressive tactics to get what he wants, or that what he really wants are such things as control, adoration or riches rather than the earnest zeal for God's kingdom that he professes? The manipulator will take advantage of your naivete by rationalizing and lying about his behavior and trusting that you would prefer to accept the rationalizations and lies than to believe the contrary evidence that is before you. The Bible does not present mankind in this naive way. All men are presented as sinners with shortcomings and weaknesses. The redeemed are to rely on the Holy Spirit for sanctification and growth in maturity and godliness. Yet we are warned again and again in Scripture that there are wicked people with dishonorable intentions and that these wicked people often masquerade as God's people and wish to use God's people for their own desires.

The second and third traits Simon mentions are over-conscientiousness and low self-confidence. Basically this means being harder on yourself than you are on others. Perhaps you will always give others the benefit of the doubt, but when it comes to yourself, especially when the manipulator accuses you of having been at fault or having bad intentions, you are filled with self-doubt and self-condemnation. Perhaps you set impossibly high standards for yourself and yet excuse all sorts of misbehavior in others. Perhaps your lack of confidence that your own judgments are correct keeps you from acting or speaking up when you think there may be a problem. Many of the manipulative behaviors I will discuss below are effective because of the over-conscientiousness and lack of confidence of those being manipulated.

The fourth trait Simon mentions is over-intellectualization. This causes the victim of manipulation to focus his or her attention on trying to understand why this person is behaving as he does rather than just accept and and deal with the fact that this person is acting in a covertly-aggressive way to manipulate people into giving him what he wants. The over-intellectualizer, according to Simon, sometimes thinks that by understanding the roots of the troublesome behaviors, he might be able to help change those behaviors. He also notes that over-intellectualization can cause people to excuse bad behaviors because they think they understand the root causes. We ought not ever excuse sinful behaviors because we pity the manipulator for his difficult upbringing, the unkind treatment he gets from others he has offended, or the like.

The fifth trait Simon gives is emotional dependency. He is referring to a personality that tends to be submissive, not in a Biblical way, but in an overly-compliant way even when genuine authority is not being exercised. Do you fear abandonment or being left alone? Are you fearful of making your own decisions and deciding on a course of action? Is the approval of others necessary for your happiness, comfort, and self-approval? A manipulator will use threats of abandonment or withdrawal of love as a weapon against this kind of personality.

I would also add spiritual dependency to this list. There are some who depend upon others to define for them their standing before God. Approval by spiritual authority becomes a replacement for approval by God. Rather than rely upon the grace and faithfulness of God and the works of Jesus Christ, some people rely upon meeting the standards of men and gaining and maintaining the approval of their church or its leaders. Rather than trust their own ability to read and understand the Scriptures, (or be willing to expend the effort to do so), they trust without question the interpretations spoon-fed to them by an authority figure. They do not test their teachers by the Scriptures as the Bereans were commended by Paul for doing. If a manipulator realizes that a person is spiritually dependent upon him, he can secure your cooperation by merely claiming the authority of God or causing you to doubt your salvation if you are unwilling to do as he says.

As you read what follows, think about these personality traits and consider how they might be making you vulnerable to to the techniques listed. Awareness of what method is being used and why you are vulnerable to it is the first and most important step in rendering the techniques ineffective. Remember that the purpose of each of these techniques is to get you to do what the manipulator wants you to do.

You're My Kinda People
Let's face it, flattery is sometimes all it takes to turn us into putty, ready to be formed into any desired shape. Flattery is not always obvious, but can take many subtle forms. The flatterer may pay you extra attention, make you feel special or place you in the role of trusted friend. He may have already discerned what your needs are or in what areas you are especially prideful, and exploit those areas. Once you perceive yourself as 'special' and a part of the 'inner circle', you will be more vulnerable to listening to inappropriate talk or gossip (because not everyone is hearing it, just those who are trusted or need to know), or to take on inappropriate tasks that must be kept confidential.

The Scriptures warn us again and again about receiving flattery and dealing with flatterers. See my previous post on this subject here, which contains many Scripture references that you could use to study the topic.  We need to recognize flattery when it is coming at us, recognize it as a manipulation tool, and figure out what it is our flatterer is trying to get us to do or think. Once we understand what it is our flatterer wants us to do or think, we can consider the merits of that apart from the buttering up we received.

Controlling Personalities in the Church: Staying or Going: Some Considerations

This is part 4 of a continuing series on Controlling People in the Church. Use these links for parts: 1, 2, 3, and 5.

The most common advise for dealing with controlling and/or narcissistic personalities is to not deal with them, but to get yourself out of his or her sphere of control. Sometimes, however, complete elimination of contact is not possible, and as Christians, and as covenant members of the Church, we have other considerations besides our own well being or happiness. In this post I want to lay out what some of those considerations are, and yet because each situation is different, I do not want to presume to set down rules or definite answers that others should follow. My goal is simply to help you bring to mind some issues that are worthy of consideration as you decide whether to stay at or go out from your congregation. In the next post I will look at specific manipulation techniques and some strategies for dealing with them if you find yourself unable to cut off contact at this time.

Are We Called to be Doormats for Christ?
The world would tell us that our highest obligation is to ourselves and to our own comfort, well-being and happiness. This kind of thinking is often used to justify all kinds of unfaithfulness and selfishness, and most Christians who wish to think biblically will reject this sort of reasoning. Yet, we often swing that pendulum too far and suppose that the Bible teaches us that we are to be doormats for Christ, exposing ourselves to all sorts of abuse and wickedness without protecting ourselves or seeking help. It is an error to elevate suffering for no reason or purpose to the same status as suffering for the sake of Christ or His bride. We are not to walk about with a holy "Kick Me" sign taped to our backs.

The Apostle Paul, who demonstrated his willingness to suffer for Christ, was willing to appeal to his rights as a Roman citizen to avoid an unjust punishment and insist on a trial:

But when they had stretched him out for the whips, Paul said to the centurion who was standing by, "Is it lawful for you to flog a man who is a Roman citizen and uncondemned?" When the centurion heard this, he went to the tribune and said to him, "What are you about to do? For this man is a Roman citizen." So the tribune came and said to him, "Tell me, are you a Roman citizen?" And he said, "Yes." The tribune answered, "I bought this citizenship for a large sum." Paul said, "But I am a citizen by birth." So those who were about to examine him withdrew from him immediately, and the tribune also was afraid, for he realized that Paul was a Roman citizen and that he had bound him. (Acts 22:25-29)

Consider also, the large number of Scriptures that teach us to be watchful of, avoid, and beware of certain persons, such as the wicked, the scoffer, the fool, and especially false prophets and corrupt church leaders in order to protect ourselves from the harm they cause. Here are just a few examples of many:

Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler. Proverbs 20:19

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive. For your obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you, but I want you to be wise as to what is good and innocent as to what is evil. The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Romans 16:17-20

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits. Matthew 7:15-20

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 2 Timothy 3:2-4

As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned. Titus 3:10-11

Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse,and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Proverbs 9:7-8

"Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you." Matthew 7:6

Our Highest Obligation
We can learn from these verses that we need not consider ourselves punching bags for the wicked, we must also realize that there are times when we should take risks and allow suffering if it serves the cause of Christ. A wise friend with whom I was discussing this issue encouraged me to think in terms of a hierarchy of vows and obligations. We have obligations to God, to our family, to our congregation, and to our brothers and sisters in Christ. There are times when these obligations may come into conflict.

Our highest obligation is, of course, to God Himself, and all other obligations are in subordination to that one. We should always prefer to suffer for Christ than to deny Him or disobey Him. It is at this level, however, that abusers often insist their supporters compromise. They are asked to lie in order to help the manipulator avoid exposure or accountability. They are asked to gossip, to be false witnesses, or to take aggressive action against people without proper cause. They are asked to participate in shady financial transactions or to overlook sexual sin. Our highest obligation is to God, and when we allow a relationship with any human being to cause us to sin against Him, we are practicing idolatry.

Our Obligation to Our Family
The next highest obligation is to our family. Heads of households are charged with the duty of protecting their family, of nurturing them in the Word, and of providing for their physical and spiritual needs. Protecting the family is not synonymous with seeing to it that they do not suffer at all, however, a head of a household must weigh the difficulties of remaining with a controlling church leader against the family's needs for spiritual guidance, teaching, worship, and fellowship. In the long run the costs of a decision to stay may have serious consequences on the Christian walk of family members. In the short run, the family may be strong enough to endure a time of struggle while other obligations are being met. Each head of household must weigh these factors according to his own situation.

Our Obligations to the Church and to Our Brother or Sister
There is also an obligation to the Church, and specifically to the congregation. Typically when we join a church we are asked to take vows to support the work and worship of the church, to submit ourselves to the discipline of the church, and to work for its peace and purity. A very important consideration here is the presence or absence of a system of biblical church discipline. We need to consider the obligation to use the system of church discipline that is in place in an attempt to deal with the problem, or, if that system is nonexistent or in the hands of the controller, that such a course would be impossible.

Controlling Personalities in the Church: The Difficulty of Seeing the Problem

This is part 3 of a series of posts on Controlling Personalities in the church. All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

For among My people are found wicked men;
They lie in wait as one who sets snares;
They set a trap;
They catch men.
As a cage is full of birds,
So their houses are full of deceit.
Therefore they have become great and grown rich.
They have grown fat, they are sleek;
Yes, they surpass the deeds of the wicked;
They do not plead the cause,
The cause of the powerless,
Yet they prosper,
And the right of the needy they do not defend,
"Shall I not punish them for these things?" says the LORD.
"Shall I not avenge Myself on such a nation as this?"
An astonishing and horrible thing
Has been committed in the land;
The prophets prophesy lies,
And the priests rule by their own authority;
And My people love to have it so.
But what will you do in the end?
Jeremiah 5:26-31

My last post on this topic was written with optimistic goals. It was written with the hope that we can spot these problems early and not associate ourselves with a congregation in which the leadership style was controlling and manipulative. The truth is, most people are not able to pick up on the early warning signs unless they have already learned the hard way to watch for them.

There is also great difficulty for neutral third parties when, in an attempt to help solve conflicts, they look in on an abusive church situation. Because the aggression of the narcissist tends to be covert and subtle, it may be almost impossible for such a third party to even figure out that there is an aggressor, much less figure out who that aggressor is. There are probably several reasons for this, but I think the main one has to do with an inability for the rest of us to identify with a truly narcissistic personality.

I once was taking a Chemistry class in which I had proved myself a very mediocre student. There was a term paper involved in the class, and I saw this as my chance to redeem my grade. I put my heart into the term paper, and being a much better writer and researcher than I was a chemist, produced a paper that any teacher should have loved. If you had asked me, I would have humbly(?) told you the paper deserved an A plus. When the paper was returned to me, however, the only mark the teacher had left was a cryptic comment that implied that I had plagiarized the paper and a grade of C minus. Obviously the teacher thought my mediocrity extended to subjects beyond chemistry and assumed I could not have written the paper.

I was disappointed by the grade, but devastated by the implied charge of dishonesty. When I sought comfort from my mother, one of things she said was that she had observed that those who are not trustworthy themselves do not easily trust others, and, in fact, find accusing others of dishonesty very easy. She wasn't encouraging me to distrust my teacher, but she was using the experience to teach me the life lesson that there are people who may be quick to accuse, because the precise truth is not as important to them as it is to others. She was also teaching me not to be so quick to accuse others.

Mum was right, but the opposite can also be true. Most people, especially, I hope, those who are redeemed, are basically honest and sincere-hearted folks. Sure, we have our sins and our weaknesses, but overall we tend to deal with people in a straightforward way. We also know that we fail very often, and we tend to extend that grace to others, when their shortcomings are made manifest, that we hope we will receive when our failings are made known. We are not quick to point our finger and say, "Liar!"

Most of the time, this way of dealing with people is proper and good and promotes harmony. Straightforward. Slow to take offense or accuse. Willing to cover transgressions with love. Humbly submitting to authority and respecting personal boundaries. Thinking the best of everyone whenever possible. However, the same traits that make you agreeable to most people, can make you an easy victim of a person with a genuine personality disorder.

That is not to say that we should give up this way of dealing with people and become suspicious and accusing. In fact, losing the ability to trust others is part of the damage that abusive relationships can cause. The biblically astute reader will also see that list of positive traits and recall Scriptures that teach us that is the way we ought to behave toward our fellow men.

It is also true that most healthy people find it difficult to believe that someone else they know well is lying, scheming, or dealing with them in an unstraightforward way. It is especially difficult to come to this conclusion when the person in question holds a position with church authority. We tend to dismiss suspicions, push accusing thoughts aside, and even rebuke ourselves for even thinking it possible that the Rev. So-and-so might be lying, mismanaging church funds, or mistreating other church members.

When others are having difficulties with us and blaming us for the problem, we tend to take such criticism seriously. Even if we know we didn't do what we are accused of, we tend to look inward to find out what we did to create the misunderstanding, and figure out what we can do to make it better. When dealing with most people, this is a good thing to do.

The Scriptures do tell us though, that there are liars and schemers among men, and even among the leaders of the church. In fact, the group of people for whom Jesus had the most criticism were self-serving and dishonest ecclesiastical leaders. He sat down to eat with the dishonest tax collectors and drank from the cup of the idolatrous Samaritan woman, yet He granted no such familiarity to the scribes and Pharisees whom He likened to vipers and wolves and whitewashed tombs.

Controlling Personalities in the Church: The Warning Signs

Note: This is the second post in a series. All posts in this series can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a controlling personality or a controlling organization can testify about how difficult--even traumatic--breaking away from such a relationship can be. We can all save ourselves a lot of grief if we can avoid such relationships in the first place. It is the purpose of this post to help identify the warning signs of an unhealthy or manipulative church dynamic so that when we are evaluating churches for possible membership or find ourselves newcomers in a church, we can avoid entanglements with controlling people while leaving is still relatively easy.

I want to make a couple points here before I begin. Please forgive me if I am repeating myself, but I feel they are important. I am not a mental health professional or a certified counselor. I am a layman sharing information that I hope will be beneficial to people facing encounters with manipulative people in the Church. As such, I am not giving any advice on diagnosis or treatment of these people.

Second, the manipulative techniques and behaviors I describe are often present in healthy, well-developed people to some extent. Sometimes they are sin, and at others times, in their proper place, they are a perfectly legitimate form of exercising healthy leadership for unselfish purposes. As Christians we need to consider our own behaviors with honest self-evaluation based on Biblical principles. When these behaviors, though, define they way a person relates to others and are used as a means of getting what that person wants for selfish reasons (adoration, power, money, sex, praise, fame, or even the thrill of having people angry and upset at them), they become the problem I am trying to address in these posts--a problem that can cause great emotional and spiritual damage to its victims.

What I have done here is pull together information on what the characteristics of a manipulative Church dynamic looks like and then use that information, personal experience, and the testimony of past victims of spiritually abusive churches to come up with things that might alert us to possible problems. The two books I have listed in my sidebar, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen, and Toxic Faith, by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, are sources for information on what manipulative church systems look like, as is this web site, by Ron Henzel.

One or more of these characteristics might be present in a healthy church, and sometimes differences between the legitimate characteristic and its manipulative counterpart is very subtle. For example, it may be difficult to tell the difference between legitimate, heart-felt, warm hospitality and the manipulative love-bombing technique (described below), that is used to evaluate potential new members and groom them for membership in a manipulative group.

The first piece of advice that I would give, then, is to listen to your gut feelings. If you read the accounts victims give of their experience or if you talk to people about what they went through, you will hear again and again that they were uncomfortable from time to time, that warning bells were going off, but they ignored them, or chalked them up to individual quirkiness. Everyone has their faults and quirks, after all. Yet, if you find yourself often pushing concerns aside, or censoring your own evaluations or opinions, or concealing things about yourself that might not be acceptable in this group, carefully consider whether or not you are responding to manipulation.

Here are some possible warning signs. I'd appreciate hearing from you if you can add to or expound upon these.

An Initiation Process
We all hope our churches warmly welcome newcomers, help them to meet new friends in the congregation, and help them become acquainted with the activities and programs from which they would most benefit and to which they could contribute. Many otherwise good churches fail in this regard, but when it is done well and with a sincere heart, it is of great benefit to the newcomers and to the body of Christ.

However, manipulative church systems typically have a warm, friendly welcome, too, but for other purposes. Those who research cults refer to this technique as love-bombing. Newcomers are enveloped in warm, flattering, over-loving welcome. It seems too good to be true, and it is. Let's look at some of the things we might pick up on as differences.

First, are introductions steered toward a small group of very faithful members or are they wide-ranging? For example, in a healthy church when someone hears of your interests or occupation, they may suggest you meet another person with similar interests. In a manipulative church, you might be encouraged to meet so-and-so, who, "is a very faithful member and can show you the ropes." Or, your social interactions may be monopolized by the pastor, the elders, or a select few members. Perhaps when you arrive at the church dinner, you are quickly whisked away and shown where to sit and with whom. Manipulators want to steer you away from unhappy or disgruntled members from whom you might hear complaints or negative information or who can't be trusted to give the party line. Try to circulate among as many members as you can.

In abusive churches, there may be many members who understand that they are not among the favored few. They may be struggling with shame or ostracization. They may know they are not trusted. These folks may feel intimidated not to show hospitality to newcomers whom they know are being groomed for membership. You might find yourself in conversation with one of these folks at some event, feel you made a real connection, and then be disappointed that they never show you further hospitality.

There may be a suggestion that your relationship with the pastor or someone else be one of discipleship--with the assumption that since you are the newcomer you are spiritually less mature and need to be discipled. This discipleship may turn out to be intrusive and controlling.

During the initiation phase into a manipulative group there is much flattery. You will be complimented on your sincere convictions, your intelligence, your character, etc. You may hear that you are just the sort of people this church needs more of. You may even hear that not everyone can join, but that you do qualify for this special group.

You will be sold on the uniqueness of this church. Healthy churches might point out their characteristics and vision in an effort to help you decide if this is the church that fits your convictions. Unhealthy churches will denigrate other churches and try to convince you that this is the only church that anyone should attend.

Controlling Personalities in the Church

I have been doing a lot of reading on various aspects of a problem in church life that surrounds the idea of controlling or manipulative people in the church. I am not qualified as a psychologist or counselor or mental health professional, so I have no desire to diagnose people or label behaviors categorically, beyond what is necessary to discuss a problem dynamic that goes largely undiscussed, to share what I have read and what I have learned from others, and to offer personal observations.

I would also like to see discussion on this, and in order to facilitate discussion on what could be a very touchy topic for some, I am going to suspend one of my usual comment rules. Usually, if I discover that someone has used a fake email for comments, I delete them. However, for this discussion I will not. I only ask that you enter an email that is obviously fake. Use something like anonymous@fakeemail.com. Use any name you want. Feel free to leave comments that enlighten and will help people to understand this type of interpersonal dynamic, but please let's not get into bitter venting. I know the temptation for that is strong if you have been in one of these situations.

So what problem, exactly, am I talking about? The literature on this sort of thing might identify problems like this by various names. You might search the Internet on covert-aggressive behaviors or Narcissistic Personality Disorder on spiritual abuse or spiritual manipulation, on cults or cult-like groups. When considering these various sources of information side-by-side, certain common personality characteristics emerge, and I will be grouping all these things together as I discuss them here. The study and documentation of these things are fairly recent, so the various titles may be referring to different viewpoints of the same problem.

As I read on these things I learned that personality disorders have been defined for only about twenty or thirty years. In that time, very little clinical research has been done in this field, because there has been little hope that such people will cooperate with counseling or benefit from it. More work has been done on helping people to recover from their relationships with these manipulative and controlling people--relationships that can be very traumatic and destructive.

The personality traits that come together in a highly manipulative person are estimated by psychologists to be present in about five percent of the population, though estimates range from one to ten percent. But whatever the actual frequency, it seems we all will come across some people like this at some point. Having a few of these traits to some degree is perfectly normal. After all, we all have to manage other people and gain their cooperation from time to time. However, in some people the controlling behaviors dominate their relationships with other people.

Probably every pastor can relate tales of folks in the congregation that display these traits and the disruptions they can cause. They may try to run the church from the pew. I can remember in a church I attended as a youngster that  a pattern emerged in which families would come to the church for a while, attend regularly, seem interested in joining and then suddenly disappear. The elders decided to investigate, divided up the list of families, and went on personal visits to find out why each family had stopped attending. What they found out was that a couple in the church had taken it upon themselves to visit each of these families and let them know why they were unsuitable for membership. The reasons given were based on such things as racial and class prejudice or a lack of conformity to their unwritten rules, such as hairstyles and dress. Humiliated and traumatized, these families just quietly went away. The couple that had notified these families of their unsuitability was also the same couple that, when the new pastor came to the church, greeted him with the notice that they had been at this church since it was formed and if he had in his mind to make any changes, he needed to check with them first.

Even more problematic, though, is when the controlling personality in the church is a member of the pastoral staff or the lay leadership. The lay couple I described above had no authority in the church, though they apparently thought they did. Most people in the congregation were able to simply ignore them when they became obnoxious. But a pastor or church officer does have real authority, and where there is real authority, there is the possibility of abuse or misuse of that power. There is also the opportunity to shape the culture and group dynamic that prevails in that congregation.

I think it is important to note that a manipulative leader can create a cult-like dynamic in a church that is not cultish or heretical in its doctrine, but rather well within the range of what would be considered the historic Christian faith. There may be an unbalanced emphasis on certain doctrines, such as an attitude that emphasizes works at the expense of grace, or an emphasis on such things as submitting to authority and giving financially to the church in a sacrificial way.

On the next post on this topic, I will write about the warning signs that we can look for when looking for a new church, or evaluating one we have already joined. In this post, though, I want to discuss the common characteristics of a controlling personality.

The Characteristics of a Controlling Personality

Note: I will be using male pronouns here, but that is not meant to imply that only males possess this kind of personality. Some researchers say it is more common in males, but I suspect the feminine version of this problem may be less recognized and less studied, and therefore under diagnosed.

Projects a grandiose image: This is one of the defining characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The grandiose image may be a cover, though, for a deep-seated sense of inadequacy, unlovability, and insecurity. Psychologists speak of a grander self being created by the insecure person, first to please or deceive others, but eventually they believe the lie themselves. Others maintain that the narcissist sincerely believes to his core that he is a special person deserving adoration and praise. Whichever the case, this kind of person presents himself as a hero. He will entertain you with tales of how he defeated this or that foe, stood against tyranny, heresy, etc. In the church these "hero tales" often take on a religious tone. When he runs up against troubles, he is standing against the devices of Satan. When others oppose him, they are opposing him because they hate righteousness or hate the truth. He will also emphasize his accomplishments and abilities, his credentials, and his acquaintances with well-known people. He expects to be treated with deference and to be given VIP respect, though he often commands this kind of deferential treatment in subtle ways. For some reason you just know that when he enters a room and sits down, he will not be pouring his own coffee, but you should be getting it for him.